Up, Up, and Get Me Out of Here — Why Flying Kinda Sucks
Let me start by saying you may find this entry entitled, whiney, or even inane at times. It’s meant to be a comical rant. Please take it with an enormous mound of salt. I hope it makes you laugh!
Jason and I are frequent flyers. Not frequent enough to earn any skymiles, but nonetheless we find ourselves in the skies fairly frequently. At the very least, we can navigate the system with as much ease as going to the dentist. Ah, the dentist. You remember that place. A place that you know you have to go, so you make the appointment six months in advance because otherwise it won’t happen. Then, when the teeth clenching day arrives, you grin and bare it, knowing you’ll be poked, prodded, and otherwise tormented. It’s worth the clean bill of health in the end, but damn if it’s not the last thing you want to do that day.
Before our trip I lapped up the experience of flying. I relished in it! It’s the start of your vacation, even if it starts well before dawn so you can catch that flight. Cocktails in the airport because airport time isn’t real time… Why yes, just one please! Or, at least a decent coffee. I’m on vacation, dern it! Let’s enjoy!
Things are no longer like they used to be. Let me walk you through what our typical flight experience entails. You are me, and here we go.
Last night, you didn’t sleep well. The flight is so early, and you’ve got to take public transit in a way you haven’t before to get to the airport. That alone gets you feeling antsy. Being a travel day, you’re already on edge. Travel days are the grunt work of a great trip. You don’t know what to expect, much is out of your hands, and you’re never well rested enough because, again, you just didn’t sleep well.
But, you’re up, and you’re double checking that what you packed last night is all in order. Do you have your passports? Jason has those. Do you have your boarding passes? They’ll charge you $50 if you don’t (thanks, RyanAir). Does the Airbnb look acceptable? Of course it does, you two can’t risk a bad rating and, honestly, prefer living in and leaving a livable space. Did you forget anything? Jason is going to ask this every time he walks out the door, no matter where we go, but you’re just ready to leave. But, wait, actually…. did you forget anything? God, I hope not.
You’ve got to get to the airport at least three hours prior to your flight’s scheduled departure time. You have to plan in contingencies and, let’s face it, these travel days are mostly a waste anyway. Better to plan extra time in versus rushing or missing a flight. Airports are never in the center of a city, like a train station is, so in order to get there you have to either take a complicated public transit trip or shell out for a pricey taxi. You opt for public transit, every time it’s at all feasible. Again, it makes you antsy, but you’ll be fine.
Once you finally make it to the airport it’s time to do a document check at the counter of your airline so they can make sure you’ve got your paperwork in order. Don’t want to get through one level of security and be denied entry to another! This is specific to international flights outside of the EU, but it’s something we’ve done over a dozen times.
Docs checked, it’s now time to go through security. Drink that water bottle up! Don’t toss it though, can’t spend another $2 on the plastic replacement just yet. Hope they ignore the suntan lotion this time, it’s over volume by just a smidge and it wasn’t cheap! Once you’ve made it through with most of your belongings intact you immediately shuffle over to immigration to get your passport examined. Again, moving through the EU is a breeze, but any other time you’ve got to appear calm in front of a government agent. You’ve done nothing wrong, but it’s that inherent feeling of distrust around authority figures that freaks you out just a bit. Nevermind, they stamp your passport and you’re out! Whew! Sigh of relief as you are finally out of one country but not yet into another. A true nomad and free agent. Liberating, yet what the hell happens if something happens? No time to think about that, let’s find the gate. You’ve only got two-ish hours to kill now. Two hours?! Yes… you’re early. You’re always early (except that one time in Mumbai). Still though, you remember how America’s security theater really eats up that extra time through mostly unfruitful (except for them if they’re robbing you) search and torment.
No matter, you’ll burn that extra airport time up on the free wifi or, if you’re being good to yourself, will read the Kindle you packed. Read the book, Jen, read it! It’s a good book, Jen!
Two hours comes and goes and, surprise! Time to board! Boarding is unable to feel anything other than a farmer relocating cattle. Shoving is the norm. Queuing is an art in England and Americans aren’t half bad at it either, but several other countries seem to lack this quality. Sheeple maybe be a derogatory term, but it’s not far from the truth here. “Listen up, sheeple; let’s all pretend we’re humans for a few minutes and this won’t be so painful, OK?!” It’s a budget airline, who are you kidding; keep the cattle prods prodding. You’ve got to get to 19B before that asshole in the other seat takes your bag’s overhead compartment space. You have this itsy bitsy backpack compared to his clam shelled monster. How did this make it through? What happened to size limits?!
OK, OK… calm down. You’ve got to sit beside this guy the entire flight, so just be cool. Wait, over there, is that person reclining their seat before we are done boarding? Is that a crying baby? Of course it’s a crying baby; it’s not a flight without a crying baby onboard. Do you have your passport? You’re constantly touching your passport to make sure it’s safe. Every 20 – 40 seconds you give it a little tap while your heart flutters at the thought of losing it.
Everyone is now onboard and the pilot has begun gliding the plane to the runway. Great! It’s been a long day already and you’ve basically went no where yet, but you’re about to! If you are luckily sitting next to your partner during take off then you can hold hands and share, “I love you’s” due to your abrupt overwhelming fear of dying (and due to your undying love for one another!). It doesn’t matter that you logically know you shouldn’t be scared, because statistically flying is one of the safest activities you can do and you do it all the time; you can’t help it. Say a little prayer and remember to just breath.
Peak out that window, buddy, look at that city! Stunning, isn’t it? Now that we’re stablizing you do a gut check and realize, dang it, you’re hungry. You avoided the expensive airport fair; just looking at the cost of food makes you audibly gawk, and you’ve been on the move for hours now. Still, you cannot even fathom paying the premiums on crappy airline food. If you’re on an AirAisia flight you can’t even think about eating snacks you brought with you, because the rules say you can only eat their food onboard their plane. This isn’t dire, but you’ll very likely go hungry. The flight shouldn’t take that long, right? Time to fidget with the phone, Kindle, inflight magazine, or whatever else you can get your hands on. Cheap airlines don’t have any entertainment to offer, so it’s all DIY. Can you sleep? HA! No, but dream from that middle seat about where you’re headed next and try not to make that dream about a restaurant for lunch.
“This is your captain speaking. We’ll be making our final descent into Turkmenistan in about thirty minutes. Please take your seats and stop bothering the flight attendants. And, for the love of all that is holy, shut that baby up!” That’s what you hear at least. Time to wait more and prepare for today’s second shoving match. It took all of your mental capacity to not let it bother you that the person next to you is hogging the armrest the entire time. Window and aisle get one each, middle seat gets two because that’s all they have, so give them that dignity, please!
Budget airlines don’t have their own gates. That’s a luxury only known to those paying more than $25 for a plane ticket. Fair enough, but that means after shoving out of the aircraft you’re herded onto a bus to bump around with your luggage for a few minutes while you make it to the arrivals terminal. Fine fine, but now you have to pee!!!
You take a quick bathroom break before immigration check #2 of the day takes place. Those somehow always seem to go smoothly, at least. Why do they care more about you leaving than entering a country? Whatever, it’s time to figure out how to get from airport to Airbnb. And, no, you will again not be taking a taxi. What is this, amature hour? You also won’t be eating yet because, ugh, airport prices. But, you will be bitchy due to said lack of food and the high stress you put yourself under today. At least you’ll be done soon and able to relax in a brand new environment. Don’t settle in too much, you’ll be out of there in a week and most likely back in those blue skies.
Jason and I have taken 25 flights during this trip and have four more on the books. Now that you’ve been through a day in the life of one of my flights you might recognize why we feel some frustrations. The act of getting to an airport and being on an airplane is a pain. The ability to travel great distances in short amounts of time and see places you’d hardly dreamed possible a few decades ago is revolutionary. Cheap airfare is democratizing travel in a way that we’ve never seen before. It’s taking it out of the hands of the very few and opening it up to those with less well off means. That’s a beautiful gift, even if it’s not great for the environment. Being on a budget flight is like cramming into an overcrowded fish tank, but it’s worth the squeeze. As long as I’m calling the shots about where I’m going, I’ll happily get squished every time.